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Vladimir Ivanovich Kirillov
Grand Master
Username: soviet

Post Number: 871
Registered: 2-2013
Posted on Monday, 30 April, 2018 - 10:13:   Edit PostDelete PostView Post/Check IP

Oh yes Jetsetters here I am again on this old chestnut.

Here is my prediction. RR/B with computerized fuel injection will soon start to plummet in value towards the earth core and the rear halves of these FINE cars will be sourced for the production of couches in man caves, the rest being sold off for scrap as the beast eats its own head.

Indeed, in the past three weeks I have had to come to the rescue of three Ford Falcons with computerized fuel injection (CFI)

Many decades ago, the bigwigs at GM decided on a BS advertising campaign to inform the perpetual gullible Australians that Holden was built for Australian conditions. You know, hard mean outback roads etc and blah blah blah.

Take a look at the last and latest offerings from Holden and what you see is low profile tyres, a very low body to the ground and yes possums CFI. Yes about as reliable in the outback as a politicians promise. Needless to say Holden is now dead as Dillinger and rightfully so for they are a complete garbage car whose destiny is land fill.

Ah, the Ford Falcons, a companion culprit to Holden in the age of misinformation if there ever was one.

Falcon one. Dropped its guts in Bowen for a lady mate of mine who needs the thing on the road. I paid the tow fee to a mate to get the monstrosity back to her place as the local thieves were going through her car for anything of value.

Falcon two. Driven by a very pretty French backpacker, dropped its guts about 30 kilometres from my town of ten and my neighbour towed her into town. I looked at the car. I knew the coil would be stuffed as that is a very very regular breakdown feature. Yes Bosch (German) made in China (interpreted by me as f**ked when new.)

Not only that, its not just that these cars have continual unreliable ignition coils, its also the position of the bugger, nicely attached to the engine block where the heat cooks them. Give a big hands up for the fool engineer on that one. Put simply, without a trolley jack of 1.5 tons and a pair of jack stands you are simply not going to remove the coil from the engine block to test it and yes its hard to test once off the car because its got those insane German connections with almost microscopic contacts to put the ohms meter on. Yes so the coil was buggered and we got a new coil via the publican. Still no start, ah yes again that's because it has an intank fuel pump which just went zit in the middle of the outback. Sorry no parts here and no special tool the remove the mongrel so: TOW TRUCK. The tow fee would have been at least half the value of the car.

Falcon Three. The phone rang and I was dead asleep at the time. It was Liz my friendly lady publican from just over the road inquiring whether I had a 15 inch spare Falcon tyre for a family from from Townville (4.5hours away)at 9.30pm who were in town stranded (five of them) and desperate to reach Clermont 170 kilometres away as their matriarch was in hospital and about to die. Nice one.

I get up, take the Pano over and here beyond the black stump is a family of well below average intelligence with a Falcon that's got a 14" tyre on the left hand front and a 15" on the right hand front (both almost bald), a 15" on the left hand rear (also badly worn) and a complelely down to the rim shredded, diced and chopped being somewhat flat on the right hand rear. They of course have no spare, no wheel brace and no jack as well as no clue.

The man was close on 7 foot tall and was telling me I was a legend for helping him. Steady on I said I have an evil reputation at stake here. I fitted a 14" spare I had, told him to take it back to Townsville on the longer bitumen road and not to even think about driving his family on my gravel road with his Falcon again, especially without a Bull/Roo Bar.

By the way I said. If in the unlikely event you get to Clermont and back to Townsville, don't ever think about driving this model Falcon outside the city limits because they are a hideously unreliable car. You cannot fix them by the roadside they are a tow job and out here the tow fee to get you back to Townsville is a grand minimum.

Perhaps I am wrong, But the sensors on RR/B fuel injection are made in Asia which means they are garbage and even if they are good German or English models they have a shelf life and can go zit without warning anywhere. Furthermore, the diagnosis to find the faulty unit is a pain.

Hence, ergo my theory, CFI RR/B is about the go fast south in value due to reliability and difficulties in access to the units (fancy doing a change of the crank angle sensor in the rain on the M4 30 kilometres from London in the rain or snow with ice? -- five minute job you say.....)

That aside given my skills and experience with the monster named CFI I am waiting like a hungry poisonous OZ spider for a 180mph Arnage to come onto the market for beer money....must be soon.
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Patrick Ryan
Grand Master
Username: patrick_r

Post Number: 1877
Registered: 4-2016
Posted on Monday, 30 April, 2018 - 20:34:   Edit PostDelete PostView Post/Check IP

I love reading your tales of woe in the outback.
I laugh out loud so much, the wife asks me “are you reading one of Vlads story’s again?”
Yes is always the answer

I am sure this is how most of the traveling folk from all corners of the Earth see you when they are stranded in your neck of the woods.
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Omar M. Shams
Grand Master
Username: omar

Post Number: 1475
Registered: 4-2009
Posted on Tuesday, 01 May, 2018 - 04:41:   Edit PostDelete PostView Post/Check IP

I am starting to get the hots for Liz. will she come to Dubai for a visit???
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Vladimir Ivanovich Kirillov
Grand Master
Username: soviet

Post Number: 872
Registered: 2-2013
Posted on Tuesday, 01 May, 2018 - 06:29:   Edit PostDelete PostView Post/Check IP

Er how lovely Omar. My guess is that it is probably not a good idea career wise for a nice chap like you to be meeting somebody like Liz.

Personally, I have more respect for her than I do for all the lawyers I have ever met and that is quite a few.

For starters Liz's son, a lovely gentleman who I have met, about a year back jumped bail on 20 million dollars worth of cocaine after he and two Colombians, presently doing very long jail terms here decided it would be a jolly good caper to import this happy power into Australia directly from Colombia mixed with hydraulic oil. They evidently had a formula for extracting the Coke from the oil.

However, I thought it rather a silly amateurish prank given that most Oz oil comes from the Middle East. Honestly, you could not have woken the Federal Police and Customs here up quicker than if you threw firecrackers at them.

That being the case, her poor son is being held in the Phillipines having foolishly gone there instead of a non extradition country and hit the grog obviously bringing attention to himself. Needless to say when the Oz authorities finally get him extradited out of that extremely corrupt country he will be imprisoned here for decades as Oz authorities take a very dim view of that type of thing.

Poor Liz who was his bail guarantor was ordered to pay up $330,000 AUD or go to jail herself. She paid up without a bat of an eyelid or a tear in the eye. As they say in Australia Liz is not short of a quid.

But she is one hell of ballsy woman who sticks up for her son in the blinding light of sanctimonious media attention and I respect her for that and for the fact that she will help any bugger down at the heal. She is an old time Aussie lady and you really don't see that much of these types of ladies in Oz anymore.

It quite funny here to hear the tales of the pub as we have quite a few wild cowboys who love to come to town, hit the rum and put they heads through the pub wall for reasons I can not quite understand.

But she does fly to Poland on a regular basis to visit her grandchildren so perhaps she also often flys via Dubai.

Now Omar, honestly I know what middle eastern women are like having lived with a mad rich Lebanese girl for six years in Sydney after returning from Russia in 2000.

My point Omar is would not my lifespan be able to be counted in milliseconds if your wife ever got into your laptop and discovered this rather nefarious set of posts.

Yes I would like to come to Dubai and meet you and view your car collection and be able to board a return flight without parts of me missing!
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Omar M. Shams
Grand Master
Username: omar

Post Number: 1477
Registered: 4-2009
Posted on Wednesday, 02 May, 2018 - 04:35:   Edit PostDelete PostView Post/Check IP

She sounds like a lovely lady............. a great person and one hell of a character..... Yup well worth meeting.

So Vlad.... how many women are you legally allowed to be married to at the same time in your country? our number is 4......
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Vladimir Ivanovich Kirillov
Grand Master
Username: soviet

Post Number: 875
Registered: 2-2013
Posted on Wednesday, 02 May, 2018 - 10:13:   Edit PostDelete PostView Post/Check IP

Omar good grief man do not hurl yourself into a pit of female hell.

The Chinese ideogram for trouble is evidently two females under the one roof.

You need to take the easy way out with regular flights to Leningrad/St Petersburg and just google "escorts".

Most of the ladies on that thread are 9/10 or 10/10 pipe hitting bed wrestling hot gear and will gladly take your Roubles or even USD for favours if you get my flow.

I can remember in my younger years when I was married to a stunning Italian/Australian girl she said "make no mistake, men think of sex and women think of money"

Running 2, 4, or 8 women at the same time is a recipe for disaster. If they don't all set on you simultaneously for more dust collecting objects they set upon each other with more viciousness than a pack of Spetnaz peaking on acid and vodka.

Multiple gals is good for fantasy but in reality you would be safer putting a blue ringed Australian octopus or funnel web spider on your arm and giving it a friendly pat!

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