| Author | Message | ||
     Robert Wort Grand Master Username: robert_wort Post Number: 169 Registered: 12-2004 |
I know this isn't Rolls-Royce but I thought it was worth the inclusion. Microsoft Compared to General Motors. Bill Gates wanted to impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against those of General Motors. Boasting of the advances in computers and software, he said: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8. It would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. The chairman of General Motors replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"  | ||
| David Gore Moderator Username: david_gore Post Number: 424 Registered: 4-2003 |
In a moment of weakness, Robert's post under another heading alerted me to the rich field of automotive humour and the possibility of R-R/B material so I have decided to run a trial topic and see what material is around. To start things rolling; I am reproducing a joke sent to me by an American friend that I had published recently in the NSW Branch Newsletter "L & D": One-Upmanship A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls-Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls-Royce, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls-Royce?" The guy in the Rolls-Royce says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls-Royce replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls-Royce is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customising shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls-Royce up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls-Royce and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN) The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls-Royce says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls-Royce." The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!" | ||
| Robert Wort Grand Master Username: robert_wort Post Number: 170 Registered: 12-2004 |
All right! Here's one. 1932 Rolls Royce "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner." | ||
| Gordon Norris Frequent User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 94 Registered: 2-2005 |
RR Legend: An Italian RR owner in 1948 wanted to make some modifications to his car, and commissioned a medium to hold a seance to summon up the spirit of Sir Henry Royce for advice. RR legend has it that the advice from beyond the grave was.... ........you guessed it: "Consult your authorised distributor"  GN. | ||
| Gordon Norris Frequent User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 95 Registered: 2-2005 |
A Bentley Turbo owner drives up to a full-service petrol station and says 'Fill 'er up' to the admiring attendant. The attendant starts to comply, but is soon back at the driver's window:'Better switch the engine off mate.........she's gaining on us..' GN. | ||
| Robert Wort Grand Master Username: robert_wort Post Number: 172 Registered: 12-2004 |
Oh Gawd! Now I've started something. This isn't exactly politically correct (Then again,I suppose that's what jokes are all about), but here goes. A man is walking along a beach when he finds an old oil lamp. He picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie. The genie says to the man, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get twice as much. What is your first wish?" The man says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please?" The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account, and your ex-wife now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?" The man says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new Rolls-Royce, please?" The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage at home, and your ex-wife now has two new Rolls-Royces. What is your third wish?" The man thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one of my kidneys, please!" | ||
| Gordon Norris Frequent User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 98 Registered: 2-2005 |
An Englishman, American, and an Irishman are stranded on a desert island. They find an old oil lamp washed up one day on the shore, and of course when they rub it out pops a genie. The genie say he will grant them all 3 wishes, and they decide to take one wish each. The Englishman goes first, and wishes he was back in England with a huge Manor house and estate filled with servants, and with a chaffeur driven Rolls Royce in the garage, and endless wealth. The genie says 'your wish is my command' and the Englishman disappears from the desert island in a puff, his wish fulfilled.. Next goes the American, who wishes for a mansion in Beverly hills, with a pool filled with beautiful nubile young women who hang on his every word, a garage filled with every model of Rolls-Royce ever made, and endless wealth. The genie says 'your wish is my command' and the American disappears from the desert island in a puff, his wish fulfilled.. Last comes Paddy, the Irishman. The genie says 'the final wish is yours little master, what is it you wish?' Paddy thinks long and hard and finally says "Gee, it's awful lonely here without my two friends...I wish they were here...."  (!!!!!wouldn't you just KILL him !!!!!) GN. | ||
| Gordon Norris Frequent User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 99 Registered: 2-2005 |
Another politically incorrect one: Melbourne, Tuesday The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Macquarie Fields. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Macquarie Fields area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment. John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for......At the crew's first practice session, the Macquarie Fields pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower. GN. | ||
| Gordon Norris Frequent User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 100 Registered: 2-2005 |
Supposedly true story, and from experience I'd believe it!: A woman (could be any woman on the planet) came into a workshop and asked for a 'seven hundred and ten'. They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven hundred and ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. Still puzzled, the mechanic couldn't fathom it. He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, right there...."  GN. | ||
| Richard Treacy Grand Master Username: richard_treacy Post Number: 660 Registered: 4-2003 |
Schoolboy joke. A drunk vagrant stubled down the footpath and came across a very sad looking man peering into the engine bay of his Rolls-Royce. "what's wrong ?" asked the drunk. "Piston broke" replied the driver. "So am I" responded the drunk. | ||
| Gordon Norris Prolific User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 102 Registered: 2-2005 |
We all know about Murphy's Law, or Sod's law as it is sometimes referred to, but many years ago I formulated a law which, when it comes to things mechanical, has stood up to rigorous testing. It goes like this: (Norris's First Law) "Anything that is man-made, approaching or beyond the complexity of a bic biro, is capable of exploding." It has given rise to several corollary's: (Corollary's to Norris's First Law) "When such object unexpectedly explodes, it does so with maximum predjudice." "The likelihood of explosion is inversely proportional to the estimated or percieved risk of explosion" "The size of explosion is inversely proportional to the estimated or percieved risk of explosion, and/or the size of the object" "The liklihood of any such object exploding is directly proportional to the time, complexity, and cost involved in it's assembly, replacement and/or repair." "Said object will always explode at the worst possible time (see "Murphy")" General observations concerning Norris's First Law: In the case of RR/Bentley components and repairs such explosions are accompanied by an extreme sinking feeling in the wallet. The cause of said explosions can never be duplicated by field testing. In fact successful testing of a component before assembly/installation almost certainly ensures spontaneous self-ignition after assemby/installation. Said object will always explode while detailing it's virtues or benefits to others, or whilst showing how well you installed said item, so as to cause maximum embarrassment. ANY AND ALL COMMENTS AND PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS OF NORRIS'S FIRST LAW MOST WELCOME.  GN. | ||
| Robert Wort Grand Master Username: robert_wort Post Number: 173 Registered: 12-2004 |
You have encapsulated it all Gordon. I was beginning to think it was Wort's Law! But as that creepy saying states. 'We are not alone.' Richard's 'piston broke', is obviously Law 1A. | ||
| Richard Treacy Grand Master Username: richard_treacy Post Number: 663 Registered: 4-2003 |
Wort's Law: Norris is an optimist. | ||
| Stephe Boddice New User Username: stephe_boddice Post Number: 8 Registered: 2-2005 |
Just to add to Robert's first post I enclose the full 10-point response: - 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. | ||
| Stephe Boddice New User Username: stephe_boddice Post Number: 9 Registered: 2-2005 |
Not quite RR&B related but I am sure that some readers will find a common thread. How Specifications Live Forever ================================ When you see a space shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs, that are made by Morton Thiokol at a factory in Utah. Originally, the engineers who designed the SRBs wanted to make them much fatter than they are. Unfortunately, the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site in Florida and the railroad line runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to be made to fit through that tunnel. Now, the width of that tunnel is just a little wider than the U.S. Standard Railroad Gauge (distance between the rails) of 4 feet, 8.5 inches. This is an exceedingly odd number. Did you ever wonder why that gauge was used? It is because US railroads were designed and built by English expatriates and that is the way they built them in England. Okay, then why did the English engineers build them like that? Because the first rail lines of the 19th century were built by the same craftsmen who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Repeat the question: why did those craftsmen choose that gauge? Because they used the same jigs and tools that were previously used for building wagons, and you guessed it, the wagons used that wheel spacing. Now I feel like a fish on a hook! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if the wagon makers and wheelwrights of the time tried to use any other spacing, the wheel ruts on some of the old, long distance roads would break the wagon axles. As a result, the wheel spacing of the wagons had to match the spacing of the wheel ruts worn into those ancient European roads. So who built those ancient roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots and since the chariots were made by Imperial Roman chariot makers, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Well, here we are. We now have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. That's nice to know, but it still doesn't answer why the Imperial Roman war chariot designers chose to spec the chariot's wheel spacing at exactly 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Are you ready? Because that was the width needed to accommodate the rear ends of two Imperial Roman war horses!!! Well, now you have it. The railroad tunnel through which the late 20th century space shuttle SRBs must pass was excavated slightly wider than two 1st century horses' butts. Consequently, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was specified by the width of a horse's behind! So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses' rear end came up with it, you may be exactly right. Now you know what is "behind" it all. ~Author Unknown~ | ||
| Robert Wort Grand Master Username: robert_wort Post Number: 174 Registered: 12-2004 |
Brilliant Stephe, This is my second attempt by the way as the PC sent an error message and closed the program (True). Now here's some more nonsense: Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife? The guy answers; "Yes, I never even looked at another women." St.Peter says-"See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while your in heaven". The second guy gets the same question, and answers:” Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, " See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven". The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, ok, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven. The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a BAR. They stop and GO INTO THE BAR and find #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and #2 says;” Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 answer that's great! What's the problem" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!" | ||
| Gordon Norris Prolific User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 105 Registered: 2-2005 |
The following is an advertisement in an Irish Newspaper.. 1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf Only 15 km on the clock Only first gear and reverse ever used Never driven hard or fast Original tyres Original brakes Original fuel and oil Only 1 driver Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off Photo Attached  GN. | ||
| Gordon Norris Prolific User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 106 Registered: 2-2005 |
Not auto or RR/B related, but another dig at Microsoft: My Spelling Chequer Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. GN. | ||
| Stephe Boddice New User Username: stephe_boddice Post Number: 10 Registered: 2-2005 |
RR&B related due to the common problems experienced when using PCs to get onto this Message Board. Tenuous or what? Subject: PC Technical Support Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 that I had used for years without any trouble. However, there were apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 was incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time only to discover that, when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files and I had to try to guess what the problem was. Additional problems were that Wife 1.0 needed updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express that needed to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawned unwelcome child processes that drained my resources. This conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they were an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law that cannot be turned off. Recently I have been tempted to install Mistress 2003 but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003 it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself. Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received. | ||
| RR Forums Administrator Board Administrator Username: admin Post Number: 40 Registered: 10-2002 |
Enough please, gentlemen! This topic was borderline to start with and now is going off the rails. (FWIW, I've personally seen every single one of these jokes on the 'net countless times.) Please share your jokes offline in future. | ||
| Gordon Norris Prolific User Username: crewes_missile Post Number: 108 Registered: 2-2005 |
Those that can, do.... ....those that can't: teach, preach, or administrate.... ..uh oh...there goes my posting rights...David, Robert, Stephe, Richard..SAVE ME! I'll just have to open up my own PIRATE forum: "Arrr Arrr Forums"... I will now shut up. GN. | ||
| David Gore Moderator Username: david_gore Post Number: 425 Registered: 4-2003 |
Regretfully, I must end this experiment before I too lose my Moderator's Licence.  |
